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We can’t fix people. Only God can. Discover why our urge to fix others reflects His Love, and how Grace frees us to trust His work.
The Urge to Fix People: Where It Comes From
We’ve all heard the story. Someone we know has been in a relationship or remained close to a friend who, by all accounts, wasn’t good for them. Maybe that person was toxic or manipulative, or worse, abusive. But instead of walking away, the one we care about stayed. And when we ask why, the answer comes back in some variation of, “I thought I could fix them.”
Maybe you’ve been in that situation yourself. Maybe you’ve looked at someone—someone broken, struggling, distant, DVRing new episodes of Grey’s Anatomy—and thought, “If I just hang on a little longer, if I just keep loving them, I can help them become the person I know they can be.” It’s a noble sentiment, isn’t it? The belief that our Love, our efforts, our willingness to stay can somehow transform someone who’s hurting or hurting others.
But how often does it really work? The world is filled with examples where that kind of thinking leads to nothing but frustration, pain, yet another season of a TV series no one needs to watch, and often, further damage. The reality is, people don’t change unless they want to. And sticking around to “fix” someone who doesn’t even recognize their own brokenness often leaves us feeling defeated, exhausted, with very little to show for it.
On the surface, most of us would advise against trying to fix someone. “You can’t change them,” we say. “They need to change themselves.” Yet, deep down, there’s something in us that resonates with that instinct, that desire to see healing, to see transformation. We know that Love has power. I’ve talked about this here ad nauseam. We’ve seen it in little moments in ourselves and in others. So why, despite all the cautionary tales, does this idea of fixing someone persist in our hearts?
Seeing God’s Reflection in Our Desire to Heal
What if—just for a moment—we entertain the idea that this desire to fix someone isn’t entirely misguided? What if it’s a reflection of something deeper, something divine?
After all, how often do we think about the ways God interacts with us? The Bible describes God as one who constantly pursues us, even when we are lost, rebellious, or broken (or can’t stop eating bacon). We talk about God as a Loving Father, as a Shepherd searching for lost sheep, as a Potter (not named Harry) working with clay that seems beyond repair. What if our instinct to stick with someone, even when they seem unfixable, is a reflection of how God sticks with us?
Think about it: We’re all broken in one way or another. We all have sins, struggles, habits, and wounds that make us difficult to Love, yet God continues to pursue us. Why? Because He Loves us. But maybe more than that… maybe it’s because His Love drives Him to make us Lovable.
Me? Lovable? Please!
There’s this idea in Christian theology that God, in His holiness, sees us in our sin and imperfection and works to transform us. He doesn’t abandon us when we’re messed up; instead, He enters into the mess with the express goal of fixing us, of healing us, of making us into something new, something better. The Bible says, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion” (Philippians 1:6). That’s God sticking with us even when we’re difficult, even when we resist the change.
Even when we find new ways to prepare bacon.
God doesn’t fix us overnight. Often the transformation He desires to see in us is gradual, sometimes painfully so. But His relentless pursuit is always for our good, always driven by a Love that believes we can be better, that we can reflect His image more clearly.
So what if that deep-rooted desire to fix someone, the one that drives us to stick around even when it seems pointless, is an echo of God’s desire to fix us? What if that part of us that wants to help, heal, and redeem the broken people in our lives is a reflection of the very heart of God?
Grace, Boundaries, and Trusting God’s Process
Of course that doesn’t mean we’re called to play God in someone’s life. There’s a huge difference between recognizing that someone is broken and assuming that we, personally, can be the ones to fix them. The reality is, people change only when they’re ready, and only when God is truly at work in their hearts.
That said, maybe our role isn’t to fix people but to participate in the process of God fixing them. Maybe instead of taking it upon ourselves to heal someone, our job is to provide the space, the Grace, and the Love that allows God to do His work.
It’s important to recognize that staying in a toxic or abusive situation with the intent of “fixing” the other person is neither healthy nor God-honoring. God doesn’t ask us to endure harm to be someone’s savior. Christ already did that. But maybe we’re called to be the ones who, from a distance or from a place of healthy boundaries, offer Grace, patience, and Compassion as God does the deeper work.
Maybe what we’re really being asked to do is to see the brokenness in others and trust that God is at work there. Instead of trying to be the one who fixes it all, we can offer our Love and prayers, believing that God can change hearts in ways we never could. Maybe that’s how we work His magic. We can give people the benefit of the doubt, extending Grace where it’s needed, and knowing that God’s Love is ultimately what will transform them.
And isn’t that true in our interactions with strangers too? How often do we meet someone and judge them by their flaws, their rough edges, or their sins? What if instead of reacting to the brokenness we see, we respond with the understanding that God is at work in their life, even if we can’t see it? What if we took a moment to show kindness, patience, and Compassion, trusting that God is doing something deeper beneath the surface?
God’s desire is to make us Lovable, to work in us so that we reflect His goodness and Love. And just like He’s doing that work in us, He’s doing it in others, too. Our job isn’t to fix them but to be instruments of His Love, offering Grace and space for God’s work to unfold.
The Transformative Power of God’s Love
At the end of the day, God’s Love is what transforms us. It’s what takes the broken, sinful parts of who we are and makes them into something beautiful, something holy. And while we may feel the urge to fix the brokenness in others, the reality is that true healing and transformation come from God.
But here’s the beautiful thing: We get to be part of that process. Not by being saviors, not by staying in places that harm us, but by Loving others with the same Love God shows us. By offering Grace. By being patient. By believing that God is working in the hearts of others, just as He’s working in our own.
So the next time you find yourself wanting to “fix” someone, remember that it’s not your job to change them. But it is your job to Love them, to show them Grace, and to trust that God is doing the rest.
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When have you stuck around in a toxic or abusive relationship in an effort to try and “fix” the other person? What did you do? When did you decide to move on? Given the content of this article, would you have done anything differently? Have you ever been the person someone else was trying to “fix”? What happened? Generally speaking, how do you feel about the ideas presented here? Share your thoughts and experiences below!